dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
