dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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