we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
