And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
