bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
