covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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