real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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