Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you win again, gameday.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
