How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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