There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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