he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
