mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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