please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize