It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
In America we eat man semen.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Randomize
