I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
