my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
