420 ftw
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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