I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
