I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
