I need to stop coming to work sober
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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