you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
