I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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