You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
