I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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