i was born a porn star she said
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
