the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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