my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
