i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
