I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
