i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
