First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I still have a little drunk in my system
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize