yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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