fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
