Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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