she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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