3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
