you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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