I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
