Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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