Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
