Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
