You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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