people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
