You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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