i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
