Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Randomize
