If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
