You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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