youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
