Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
