I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
