I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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