I want to make a zoo with you.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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