The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
