Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
